Evelyn Shaw, LCSW

Oftentimes, the words, tones, and expressions that come to us automatically – particularly when we’re angry – are destructive, although we may think we’re really trying to “talk it out” with a partner.  We’re likely to view the partner as unreasonable, but we're not communicating in  a way that  can be heard.  And vice-versa.

 

Both partners are angry and defensive, and each berates the other.  Thus the key word – “understand” – becomes a weapon rather than a goal.

​

Let’s start by considering this key word.  If Jo were to remove the rancor from their expression, they might come to realize that they are terribly frustrated because indeed, they can’t understand Chris's perspective.  Then the question is:  Do they want to understand?  If so, they need to express their desire rather than framing it as an insult.  In turn, Chris's response will likely evolve into something like, “I know you don’t understand.  But I’m trying my best to explain.”

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

 

 

 

 

The Role of the Therapist​

​

There are various paths one can travel to improve a relationship. Some therapists work with a strictly behavioral model, and others work with the individual histories of each partner.  There are many approaches.

​

​

While I draw upon several schools of thought, my method of choice is most influenced by what's known as Family Systems Therapy.  In it, we work to understand the constellation of factors that comprise the partnership.  The constellation consists of variables including both partners and their histories, children, concrete circumstances like medical/mental health conditions, financial distress, and others.  As with the planets, the movement of one person or condition always affects the movement of the others.  Understanding these mechanisms enables us to do what's necessary to  change the system. A large portion of the therapist's job is to identify the mechanics at play, most of which are not within the couple's consciousness initially.

​